ADDICTION and ADHD
BY JIM BURNS

Bob was raised in an alcoholic environment. To his dismay, his dad was a terrible binge drinker. For days and sometimes weeks at a time his dad would drink and stay drunk. During this time his father was critical, abusive, and did nothing to contribute to the family finances. Bob was frightened of his dad when he got into this state and avoided contact with him as much as possible. The frustration and anxiety Bob felt left him with his own set of problems, such as poor concentration, the inability to make friends, depression, and an explosive anger what would erupt without warning. The dysfunctional relationship between Bob and his father actually caused Bob’s ADHD symptoms. Bob vowed that when he grew up he was not going to do to his kids what his father had done to him. He would not use alcohol or any substance that would alter his personality, and he would never abuse his children. When he became an adult, Bob didn’t drink. But Bob’s emotional focus became his father. Bob had never learned to deal with the unresolved issues of his father’s abuse, and subsequently Bob became very bitter, hung up on materialism, and ultimately had all types of problems in relationships.

The goal of this article is to make the reader aware that addiction takes on many forms; a person can be addicted to anything. The symptoms of an ADHD child or even an adult are only the manifestation of the greater root problem. In this instance, Bob’s focus was his father, and Bob lived in a performance-based environment. He began to crave a healthy relationship with another person. The addiction that Bob developed was far worse than alcohol or drugs. As a matter of fact, alcohol or drugs are sometimes used to soothe the anxiety associated with this addiction. As it turned out, Bob suffered from a Relationship Addiction.

For the purpose of this article we need to have a clear understanding of what this addiction looks like and what it does to the people who have it. People who have this type of addiction can’t even entertain the thought of having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. That is beyond the realm of possibility. These people determine what and whom they want and then will move like lightening from being an acquaintance to forming an intimate relationship. They will treat the other person like gold at the onset, and then once there is a level of security, they will begin to hold their victim hostage. People with this condition, especially those who do not drink, can only relieve their anxiety in one way. They must constantly be in the presence of the other person. Without that presence, they are unable to focus, become depressed, can’t control their anger, have poor impulse control, and have problems with any social interactions. Therefore, they will do whatever they need to do, so that they will be in the other person’s presence. ANYTHING.

Often, these people are married and would not ever think of letting their husbands or wives have any level of freedom. Other times they are married and have long term relationships outside their marriage. The relationships outside the marriage are few. Need I explain why? Once they have the relationship, they don’t want to lose it. To them it seems permanent, even though they are married. Once these relationships end, the recovery time is slow, and then they tend to avoid these encounters for long periods afterward. Each time one of these outside relationships terminates, they get hung over, like a drunk, and vow never again. But the same thing will and does reoccur. It happens until the primary relationship, the marriage, is lost, and the secondary relationship takes over. When this occurs, these people believe they finally have what they want. This will not be the case unless the root problems that have caused this addiction are addressed and worked on. Only in this way will the addicted person be able to overcome the problem so that down the road, future episodes will not occur.
Usually, the physical part of the relationship will doom this person. Each time there is a sexual encounter, more and more of the other person lingers with them until they feel they cannot live without that person for even a short period of time.

People with relationship addictions have to deal with their own anger, depression, and mood swings tied to this condition. Further complicating matters is the fact that those who are married to these individuals must also deal with their spouse’s anger, depression, and mood swings. The incessant empty, unfulfilled, and unhappy feelings experienced by this addict create an insatiable need to be satisfied through materialism. These individuals attempt to fill the void that has been left from the emotional liquidation of their relationship with their spouse. They do this by trying to find something to make them feel good, and that is usually money. They will do whatever it takes to obtain it including lying, stealing, extortion, and conning. They usually can’t handle the money but crave it. They also use money to manipulate those around them, and they begin to build a relationship with money rather than another person. That is, until they realize they are losing their marriage, because of their antics, at which time they revert back to trying to hold their spouse hostage. Remember that these people will do whatever it takes to hold onto this relationship, including lying their way back into a person’s good graces until the next time.

An individual with this type of addiction has no value system, which only results in his becoming morally bankrupt. He has needs to be met, and he will do whatever it takes. He is in this for the long term and makes it known.

Frequently, people who suffer from this addiction also exhibit many symptoms of ADHD:

Problems with self-acceptance
Problems with relationships
Poor impulse control
Problems with socialization
Poor organizational skills
Problems with delaying gratification

We also need to be keenly aware of the three root problems discussed here:

Bitterness
Materialism
Moral Bankruptcy

In a previous article, we discussed the five areas of concern as we work with young people with difficult personalities:

Self Acceptance
Responding to Authority
Relationships
Anger Management
Problem Solving

We often mistake ADHD for many different things. Substance abuse is an obvious condition we can recognize by looking at the physical appearance of the individual. A relationship addiction is far more subtle. It can create many of the same symptoms as ADHD, such as the inability to focus and control impulses. But the ADHD is symptomatic of the greater root problem, which is the addiction. The solution is working on the root problem instead of on the ADHD symptoms. The root problems discussed here cause difficulties in the five areas of concern mentioned above. To successfully treat any condition, the root problems, not just the symptoms, must be addressed. Doctors are trained routinely to address symptoms and treat them to relieve discomfort. Treating a root problem takes far more time and effort, but results in a far greater benefit with a stronger probability of bringing permanent help rather then just temporary relief.

The root problems manifest themselves in the five areas of concern. We will call these five areas surface problems. The treatment plan below will help the afflicted person in the five areas of concern, which in turn will alleviate some of the symptomatic discomfort. Eventually, addressing and treating the root problems will bring continual help and finally a permanent change in behavior.

TREATMENT PLAN FOR AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY WITH SYMPTOMATIC ADHD:

1. All addictive behavior is rooted in bitterness. What is the cause of this anger? Low self-acceptance is at the core of this problem. Low self-acceptance may include any or all the following: problems accepting unchangeable physical features, parents, siblings, environment raised in, time in history, handicapping conditions, to name a few.

Begin a program to slowly soften the heart of this individual and focus on forgiveness. Ask, “If you could change anything, what would it be?” Then determine if the change is within the individual’s control.

2. Help the individual rescript his thoughts and be responsible for the thoughts that enter. Make him aware that he was only influenced by his past, not determined. Encourage him to make positive changes that can eventually become permanent.

3. Instruct the individual in the art of proactive living. Make him aware that he can choose his responses to situations. He can either react after a problem has arisen, or he can determine and plan his responses long before the need to respond has occurred. In order to be able to determine and plan these responses in advance, the individual must have a value system in place. He needs to be able to draw from something. If there is nothing within the chambers of his soul upon which he can draw, he will come up empty. Usually when this happens, the individual will go into either a fight or flight mode (discussed in an earlier article). Help him develop this value system. An individual with this personality needs to have the answers in place before the problems occur.

4. Make the individual aware of the truth so that he recognizes when he is about to lie, con, or withhold. Work with him so that he develops the habit of telling the truth at all cost and he realizes that withholding information is his way of avoiding a negative response. The individual needs to be a aware that lying make bring him temporary relief at the time but will ultimately without a doubt produce future pain.

5. Make him aware of the gravitational pull of relationships and help him stay centered if the relationship is causing him anxiety. Help him build security in something other than another person. Make him aware that high principles and a strong value system are more important than some person he has become fixated upon or some relationship for which he has developed an addiction. Finally, help him learn that his own good character will take him much farther in life and will ultimately be more fulfilling for him than any other individual possibly can be.

Technorati Tags: Choice, Consequences, Relationship Addiction And ADHD, Respect, Responsibility